Thanksgiving has always been my least favorite holiday, and the Gorgas are kind enough to remind me why. Joe proves again to be misogynist numero uno by bitching his way through the shopping with his wife Melissa, stopping to complain to a cashier like it was 1940′s Brooklyn. Heeey oooh, Joey! It’s 2011 so help your wife pry that dead baby pig from your daughters grubby clutches. The crafty editors cut from the upscale(ish) supermarket to Teresa and other mini-Joe at a turkey farm. But according to Teresa, schlepping through poo to pick out your own fresh Thanksgiving turkey is “a European thing.” Riiiiight. We also get a run down on the holiday schism that’s forcing Teresa to host a “friend Thanksgiving” and how she’s happy to be celebrating with people who’ve been supportive rather than her actual family.

Kathy, ever holding up the rear of the cast, is making dessert (without any formal training! She has a gift) for the Gorga clan while longing for days when the family didn’t brawl on the floor of a gaudy party hall. Speaking of fighting, Teresa and Joe kvetch over the turkey farm and Terea’s poor driving. Why isn’t Joe driving you ask? Oh right! Suspended license. Stop bitchin’, buddy. The fur-loving Giudices have an odd amount of empathy for the lowly turkey, insisting they not meet their dinner face to face, and buy one killed the day before. They really are everything wrong with America.

More SUVs on turnpikes! Caroline and Albert take Lauren on a jaunt to meet her boyfriend’s Vito’s parents and rib his Sicilian heritage a bit (again, what year is it?). The families had met previously when Vito was roommates with Albie in college, but now the interaction is a little more intimate, partly because all they talk about is marriage. Oh, Italians. Oh, and hello Albie, sole hot person in all of the Housewives franchise. As the Manzo’s eldest and his younger bro settle into Hoboken, professional whiner Ashley drops in to hold her hand out for some pity for her commute from New Jersey to the city. Cue tears when Chris dribbles some reality her way. Hard work, girl! Learn it. Suddenly the light bulb goes on, and Ashley decides to clean up and take the dog for a walk. EARTH SHATTERS. Can I get my free apartment now? No? Pout. Can I get a car? This girl is too much.

‘Tis now Friends-giving time at the Guidces, and Teresa laments not hearing back from her brother regarding the letter. The same Teresa who tries to extol her simple virtues on her eldest daughter, Gia, who adorably calls her out with a quickness. From “simple life” of dual marble staircases at the Giudices, to a mink apron (wish I was making that up) and leopard blouses at the Gorgas. Again, we’re reminded that an Italian woman’s place is in the kitchen, and the man’s place is in sweats on the couch. Beeteedubs, Kathy, you bore me. Your desserts are pretty, but unless they’re filled with a cast member’s blood, you get minimal article inches. Or you know, you could rent a mechanical bull and become a Thanksgiving urban legend. Interesting choice of entertainment, Joe Gorga, especially after gorging oneself on 3,000 calories.

Back to Teresa’s Friends-giving whose guest list includes drunk Kim #1, the Manzos, Jacqueline and crew and a backless sequin shirt and ostrich feather just like your mom wore. From Teresa’s relatively simple spread given her usual standards, we get the not so subtle juxtaposition to Melissa’s lavish set up (thanks, Jesus!) and the dining room table from Coming to America with a pouty Joe at the head. Back at the Giudices, we see Teresa’s girls again in matching outfits, beating the crap out of each other. More wedding talk from Vito and Lauren, and old timey traditions (ask the father or you DIE), and rehashing of the letter stand off from both sides. Joe Gorga again places the blame on Joe Giudice inexplicably bringing Kathy to tears, while Joe Giudice blames Joe Gorga saying he’s ungrateful for the help Teresa gave him in the past.

The Friends-giving table continues to strategize revenge, spurred by a card Melissa sent saying, “Congratulations on your redone home” bringing more drama and bringing up an incident where Teresa threw Melissa’s sprinkle cookies in the trash the previous year. Thank you (again), Caroline for cutting through the BS and reminding everyone to grow up and work to repair the relationship. Shocking revelation, right? Melissa also insists on a fresh start, backed up by the melodramatic Gorga clan. WHY IS THERE ICE IN THEIR RED WINE?? We also learn that Melissa’s father died when she was young (epic family Glamorshots photo follows), and wants everyone to be at peace. Do I smell a Christmas miracle later in the season?

Also posted on prettybitterandjaded.com