Are we at the point where we miss Danielle Staub yet? Maybe even Dina? The sub plots this season are a sad state of affairs considering the season premier Gorga/Giudice blow out, so how can the Manzo boys moving out, Ashley begging for parental hand outs and The Letter to bro Joe from Teresa carry the rest of the season? Ew, whose tacky ass mid-90s Ferrari is that?

Episode 4 opens with Melissa’s “singing” and some tearful reminiscing over this wasted talent. Joe vows to take the place of Melissa’s dead father (ed: come again?) and help push her career forward while still being a full time mom/kitchen slave. On the other side of menopause hill, Caroline Manzo laments her empty nest (poor, forgotten Lauren), and contemplates her future sharing her Voice of Reason with the masses. Mark this day, readers, as the first time a Bravo Housewife’s side venture is actually a potentially good idea.

Back to pouting wanna-be Carrie Bradshaw sub plot, we see Jacqueline and husband having a thoughtful conversation with Ashley about buying her another car. See, her first car was taken away due to bad behavior (weave pulling, charges, etc.), so this time she’s going to make payments and find a paying job (without a degree) and pick up her impractical vehicle for city life (another Jeep). New Jersey confuses the s#(@ outta me.

At chez Giudice, finally a response from bro Joe to Teresa’s letter! Nothing says Hallmark moment like an exchange of voicemails in bed with the kids. Speaking of touching family vignettes, Kathy and Rich sit down to negotiate renewing contracts with their kids. What, no notary present? Joseph confesses that he may be confronted with alcohol late in high school, and Jeff Goldblum Rich walks the fine line between “trying too hard to be cool dad” and “sensible dad” when offering to have a drink with his son should he be curious. Later in the ep, we learn Kathy’s daughter had a massive brain tumor way back when Teresa and Joe were still civil. Does everything center around these two adult toddlers?

Uh oh, is Melissa cheating on Posche? Erez boutique seems to cater to the same in Jersey couture- chinchilla trimmed puffy coats and the like, so it’s a logical place to find a classy holiday ensemble. While Melissa twirls around, there’s a pot/kettle/black cut to Teresa snarking on Melissa’s not having to work. Honey, one cookbook does not a lifelong author make! Melissa reveals to her sisters that Joe is supporting her music career despite his preference for her to be “pregnant and in the kitchen,” and the big haired brood collectively gasps with excitement/jealousy.

Back in ground zero of peace negotiations, bro Joe commits to Gia’s gymnastics meet while Teresa reminds him her litter of hair-pulling gremlins have meets 6 times a week. Teresa immediately calls Jacqueline, whose on her way to pick up Ashley’s Jeep that “she” has to pay for. While signing paperwork Jacqueline laments losing her position as chauffeur in Ashley’s life. Another bird leaves the RHNJ nest.

Melissa meets an actual talented music person, and we have this season’s Kim Zolsiak/Countess Luanne/Danielle Staub embarrassing song moment. Kathy cuts in to remind us it’s actually 1950 in New Jersey and it’s perfectly acceptable to give up your dreams for your family, only to have to desperately claw your way to happiness… eventually. At least Caroline is using her discernible talent to tell people what to do on the radio! Her first order of business is counseling Jacqueline on the Giudice/Gorga feud before meeting with a producer and running through different life scenarios, prompting this legitimate gem, “if Facebook ruined your marriage, then your marriage was broken before Facebook ever came along.” Heart.

Finally the big event! Bro Joe and Melissa roll in late to Gia’s gymnastics meet, missing all of the events and become scapegoats for Gia’s meh performance. Teresa bitches about her brother’s mix up of times, climbing up on the cross without losing her breath. Impressive! The couples share an awkward goodbye as the rift widens. Tear. Melissa’s laments her outsider status despite a masters degree in Gorga, and hops on on the cross taking the blame for the schism. Bro Joe maintains his innocence, keeping the blame squarely on Teresa setting up for the next episode of possible anticlimaxes and near-showdowns. Until next week!

 

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