Hey, hey, hey! Who missed The Challenge as much as I did? Anybody? Anybody else live vicariously through these reality whores? No? Just me. Okay then.

Well, the episode opens on a glacier in Iceland. I think the glacier is called something like, Glishenciekasdj. There’s a voiceover of everyone talking about how much they don’t want to work with each other, and then we flash to 30 days earlier in the Dominican Republic. This is deep, MTV…deep.

Everyone is walking up to some kind of octagonal jungle gym in which TJ Lavin is standing. He welcomes the “competitors” to the Dominican Republic and tells everyone that it’s the battle of the exes! Duhn, duhn, duhn. Right away TJ announces the teams:

• Emily and Ty
• Jasmine and Tyrie
• Naomi and Leroy
• Cara Maria and Abram
• Aneesa and Rachel
• Camila and Johnny Bananas
• Diem and CT
• Paula and Dunbar
• Heather and Dustin
• Mandi-with-an-I and Wes
• Robin and Mark
• Priscilla and Nate
• Sarah and Vinny

The prizes they are playing for are:

• 1^st place: $150,000 for the team to split
• 2^nd place: $100,000 for the team to split
• 3^rd place: $40,000 for the team to split

TJ tells them that they are standing in “the dome” – where all the elimination challenges will take place. There are two ways to get sent to “the dome:” get last place on that day’s challenge and the second team to get sent to “the dome” will be decided by that day’s winner. The winning team of that day’s challenge becomes the power couple – they are exempt from elimination that day and they get to choose. Ty tells them to do whatever it takes to win, because they all love money more than their self-respect, obvy.

So the teams are kind of a mish-mash of couples. Some have just made out, some have dated for years, and some have broken up and then gotten back together. So Paula camera talks that it is “drama’s wet dream.”

The “competitors” run into their new house to claim their rooms, and it looks exactly like “the villa” from the last challenge. Everyone immediately starts drinking and shit talking. There are pictures all over the house of the couples hooking up….awwwwkwarrrrd. Wes tells Mandi-with-an-I that she is a sloppy kisser. All the pictures are actually just screen grabs from previous challenges, and Mandi-with-an-I says she thinks her and Wes are actually having sex in one of the pictures…double awkward.

Jasmine seems ridiculously mad about being partnered with Tyrie, even though all they did was hook up on the last challenge. She literally takes the picture of them, smashes the frame, and rips up the picture. CT shows Diem a picture of the two of them and he gets this goofy look on his face as he camera talks about their time together on The Duel. CT seems like he would be willing to get back together with Diem.

Mark walks in the room with a “clue from TJ: “Tomorrow’s challenge could be a sticky situation. Wear your Speedos and meet me at the marina at 10am.” Naomi immediately wants to die in her sleep so she doesn’t have to wake up for the challenge. Huh?

The next day, the rookies: Heather, Naomi, Priscilla, Dustin, and Nate are discussing an alliance and a strategy to send in Old-Lady-Paula or Johnny Bananas if one of their teams wins that day. The teams arrive at the marina, and TJ welcomes them to the Ocean World Adventure Park Marina and Casino, which sounds awesome. Give me a few drinks and I would have a hell of a time at the Ocean World Adventure Park!

Today’s challenge is called “Give Me Some Honey.” Two platforms are suspended high above the water and are connected by two beams. On one platform there are two empty containers, and on the other platform there are two bathtubs filled with honey. Of course. Their goal is to transfer as much honey to the containers using only their bodies. They must jump into the tub of honey, roll around into it, run across the beam, and then the other partner scrapes the honey off of them into their container. They have 10 minutes to do it, and if someone falls off of the beam they just have to get back up again. At the end, the two teams with the most honey must go head to head to determine the winner.

The teams split up to get their strategies together, and CT tells Diem he’s going to molest her. She says she’s uncomfortable. I’d be totally down with him molesting me, amirite ladies? CT has a buzzed hair cut now, btw, so he no longer looks like Robert Pattinson…sad.

The first two teams are Dustin and Heather vs. Paula and Dunbar. The honey looks really dark and disgusting. Dustin says “this is way thicker than I thought it would be,” and there was a collective “that’s what she said” all over the country. Dustin and Heather totally smoke Paula and Dunbar.

Next are Mark and Robin vs. Aneesa and Rachel. Mark and Robin fill their bucket completely before the time limit and Team Aneesal do pretty good too. Mandi-with-an-I and Wes go up against Tyrie and Jasmine, and it’s pretty uneventful. Leroy and Naomi go up against Abram and Cara Maria. Emily and Ty go up against Johnny Bananas and Camila. Nate and Priscilla go up against CT and Diem. Nate is the first person to fall in the water, CT almost falls, but he has cat-like reflexes. Nate falls in the water again, then he falls in a third time, and I believe a fourth time too. Sarah and Vinny have to go by themselves. Sarah is blonde this season, and I’m liking the look on her.

Nate and Priscilla are the losing team. The top two teams are Mark and Robin and Johnny and Camila. They go up against each other in a five minute final and I must say that Mark is in incredibly good shape for being so old. Johnny and Camila fill their bucket before the time is up and become the power couple.

The teams go back to the house and Johnny Bananas and Camila take turns getting kissed up to by other couples. Wes corners Camila and camera talks that she is emotionally susceptible. CT tells Johnny Bananas that “Wes is trying to verbally beat up [Camila] right now,” and tells him to see what’s going on. Johnny is wearing a shirt that says Johnny over a banana. I wish I had some kind of cool nickname and then got a cool shirt that showed my nickname…one day… Johnny and Wes get into it and they both talk about how much they hate each other. Camila starts getting into it with Wes because he is a douche, and team Jamila walk away. Wes says he’s mad at himself once again for his mouth getting him in trouble.

The rookie girls surround Diem and tell her that she and CT were the dream couple that everyone wanted to be. Diem camera talks that she chose her career over CT and that even though they weren’t together during Gauntlet II, she’s mad at what he did with Siobhan. CT camera talks that Diem let him down by not showing up to support him when his brother was murdered.

The next day, TJ shows up to find out who Team Camohnny are voting into “the dome” against Nate and Priscilla – they decide on Wes and Mandi-with-an-I. That night they all go to “the dome.” The elimination challenge is called “X Knocks the Spot.” Each player starts by standing on their own platform directly across from their partner. When TJ says go, the “X” which consists of a low bar and a high bar, starts spinning, and the players have to duck under or jump over the bars. The last player standing’s team wins. TJ is seriously just phoning it in; he’s so unimpressed with the set up, whereas if I saw it in person I would have to pick my jaw up off the ground, especially with all the torches and shit all over the place.

The “X” goes pretty low, and the players jump and duck for about 20 minutes before Priscilla is the first one to fall off her platform. After 30 minutes someone yells “just a few more hours Nate,” and he yells “get a personality!” I have no idea who the exchange was with, but it’s hilarious. Almost immediately after, Nate falls, however, and Nate and Priscilla are sent home.

Back at the house, Diem and CT get into it. CT says he’s the one that got dumped, so she needs to stop acting like he sabotaged the relationship. Diem camera talks that she wants to hit him, but at the same time she wants him to know that she did love him. CT camera talks that his head is spinning with a mixture of emotions.

This season, on The Challenge: Battle of the Exes: lots of people fall, lots of people crash into things, lots of people fight, there’s some kind of dog sled race in Iceland.